Broken Relationships do not have to mean broken lives
Getting divorced is a challenging time in anyone’s life and there is no one approach that works for everyone.
Many people find the Collaborative approach less expensive in time and money and a better way than going to court.
Are you getting divorced? Read more to run through a short quiz to see if you are suited to Collaborative Divorce.
Answer yes or no to the following questions. Be honest – there is no right or wrong answer, it’s about what you think and feel right now.
- I’d like interactions with my former partner to be respectful even when we disagree
- The needs of our children are of the highest priority for me
- I am willing to objectively consider the needs of my former partner as well as my own
- It is important to move beyond the pain and frustration I feel to plan for the future
- I am a fair person and I can behave ethically towards my ex
- I believe that working cooperatively and creatively we can solve our issues
- I choose to maintain control of my divorce process and not give it to the courts
How many yes and no answers did you get?
What questions, if any, did you say no to?
I don’t want to be fair and I don’t care about ethics!
If you don’t want to see a fair outcome from your divorce negotiations but would rather use it as an opportunity to hurt and to make your former spouse pay for hurting you, then the collaborative process probably isn’t for you.
If you want to play games, use threats and intimidation and attempt to hide your true financial position from your ex then once again the collaborative process isn’t for you. In Collaborative practice both parties and their lawyers sign a contract agreeing not to go to court, to volunteer all relevant information and to correct any mistakes that are made.
The Collaborative process is based on in good faith negotiations aimed at protecting the children and finding the best outcome for the former partners based on their interests.
I’m not always respectful – sometimes I loose my temper and say things I shouldn’t
Don’t think we don’t know how tough it is. We’ve been through divorce ourselves and know how hard it can be. Your emotions are all over the place and you are often not at your best.
That is the power of the Collaborative process. Discussions take place in 4 way meetings with your lawyers. Collaborative lawyers have had additional training to provide them with the skills needed to work with you in these meetings.
A Collaborative coach is another option for you to consider when going through the Collaborative process. Once again a Collaborative coach has done additional training to understand the Collaborative process so that they can support you and help you to manage your emotional state.
Usually the relationship between the parties is better after the Collaborative Divorce process than it was when they began it. You’ll have the opportunity to practice focusing on the issues rather than using personal attack and learn how to openly discuss what you need.
The reality is that if you have children together you are going to have an ongoing relationship with your ex partner. The best option for everyone is that the relationship is a respectful one with open communication so that you can quickly resolve any issues that come up as your circumstances change over time.
I can’t see how it’s possible to resolve some of our issues.
While it might seem impossible to find an solution that works for both of you right now that is the whole purpose of the Collaborative Process.
During the process you will identify what your fundamental interests are and work together to find a way to get them met. It won’t always be easy but it is usually possible to find a way forward.
If after a few sessions you reach a stalemate then you can terminate the Collaborative process and go to court. That will mean that you both have to retain new lawyers with different firms and that anything that was discussed or shared during the collaborative process is inadmissible in the court proceedings.
Considering the total cost that you will be faced with if you go to court what you have paid to participate in the Collaborative process will be small by comparison and you will know that you gave it a go to resolve things amicably.
Remember if you didn’t think getting an agreement is difficult for you to start with you probably won’t even need to use the Collaborative process.
Sitting down over the kitchen table and working out an agreement with your ex is by far the quickest and least expensive option. At least it is if you work out an agreement that really is in your interests. Sometimes in this situation people just go along with what the other party suggests to their detriment and that of their children over the longer term. Don’t make that mistake.
If you do work out a kitchen table agreement make an appointment with a Collaborative Lawyer to check it out before signing it.
Why a Collaborative Lawyer and not a traditional family lawyer?
A traditional lawyer is trained to think in terms of positions and percentages. A Collaborative lawyer understands interests and that there might be a benefit that comes with a deviation from “by the book” that is worth it for you and your circumstances.
They may question the thinking behind what you are proposing to agree to but they’ll do that from a position of understanding the benefits that can come from developing creative solutions. They won’t try to talk you out of a “good” agreement for your individual circumstances just because it’s a bit different but will try to pick up if you have thrown the baby out with the bath water in your attempt to get things settled so you can move on.
So what do you think? Does the Collaborative process feel like an option for you?
Then the next step is to speak with a Collaborative Lawyer near you. The International Academeny of Collaborative Professionals has a good directory of Collaborative Professionals around the world or you could contact us and attend one of the Collaborative Practice Information Sessions run by Paul Kenna at his practice in South Melbourne.
The broken relationships that Collaborative Practice can help with are no just those between husband and wives. It is also useful for business partnership disputes, customer supplier disputes, neighbour disputes and family disputes just to name a few. In fact any situation where you are in a dispute that you can’t resolve with someone who you want or need to have an ongoing relationship with or where you want to retain control over you outcomes is suited to the Collaborative process.